The Blog Of The Dog

Oh, I’m so frustrated today- my precious (albeit slavvered on) laptop has caught a nasty virus. From where, I’m not exactly sure, as I’m usually really carefully about what sites I go and what I click on, but this on has got me so annoyed.

It started off as annoying me on Google today- there I was, entering keywords and watching videos and that kind of thing, when instead of taking me to the link I’d clicked on, I ended up being taken to a totally different site (terrible design too, I might add- it was soooo 1997) and when I tried to click back, it took ten attempts to get me back to my original page as each back step took me to another completely useless search engine site.

Later on in the afternoon, the same virus made Internet Explorer shut down whenever I tried to access my Favourites, so I tried downloading Firefox. After countless attempts, the virus wouldn’t let me.

So I’m now officially frustrated, and if I’m ever unfortunate enough to meet the little geek who concocted such a virus, I’ll bite off his meat and two veg!

I seriously just can’t understand the logic of these people- I mean, sure, if you’ve got the knowledge and time to create a virus, then why not use it to some good? Why infect us personal internet surfers and cost us a fortune geting our computers fixed?

There was a man I read about, quite a long time ago now, and he was an extreme hacker and virus creator, who ended up working for the FBI as a result of his skills and notoriety, which is all good for him. But for every spotty little anorak that wants to emulate him, it appears that ordinary surfers like me and you are guinea pigs for his experiements. And expensive experiments at that.

I’m going to log off now and see if The Master can fix my laptop. He’s been on Twitter all afternoon (on my account too!) and is now addicted, so I hope he can spare me five minutes and I can begin Googlewhacking again.

Until next week!

It’s been a sleepy day at work today. Diet Girl is tired, despite going to bed at 7.30pm last night (I don’t know what tires her out to be honest, she seems to do nothing bar stare at her monitor and ocassionally make everyone coffee), Happy Man was grumbling about ‘Too many bloody council meetings’ and shuffled off to go home early, and The Master appears to be in a tired state too.

What’s wrong with these people? When I’m tired, I sleep. When I’m awake, I get up and do things. Maybe if they prioritised their lives a little better maybe then they wouldn’t all be walking around like the undead, but what do I know? I’m just a dog.

Anyway, the highlight of my day today has been this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHXEqC5BCus

This is the version shown on Mexican news (or at least I think it is- as you know, English is still a relatively new language to me), and was shot originally by a group of young lads on their mobile phone whilst hanging around late at night, on a bit of wasteland (as teenagers often do, bless ‘em!).

I’ve watched this video today, personally, about thirty times; pausing it the moment Duende (Mexican for ‘Dwarf’ apparently) comes out of the bushes, waves and does his funny dance, and I can’t work out how it’s ‘done’.

Diet Girl is a total believer in Things That Go Bump In The Night, and this video freaked her out a bit, but me? I don’t think so. She tried arguing her case with The Master, saying that in Mexico there’s a portal from where Chupacabra came from (look him up on Wikipedia.org- I had to!) and that was probably where the Duende hailed from too. The Master responded by (rather wisely) falling asleep at his desk.

I reckon it could be someone’s little brother or sister, co-erced into hiding in the bushes for the price of a fiver until that opportune moment, but I suppose you never know.

Aside from my Duende day, I seem to have lost my holiday photos!! Am absolutely gutted- I’ve put them somewhere on this laptop, but I can’t find them for love nor money, so I’m afraid I’ll have to leave them for another day, and leave you on the edge of your seat (or your basket, dependent on your species of course).

Anyway, that’s me for the day now, The Master is now blaming his drowsiness on lack of caffeine (he has two spoons of coffee per cup, I’m surprised he’s not climbing the walls most of the time) and shaking my lead, so I’d best get back to being a family dog and take him home.

Until tomorrow, kids

Welcome back my loyal readers- I have returned from my travels with The Master and The Mistress in the foreign country of Wales. We spent a fortnight in the glorius sun at both Anglesey and Abersoch, where I frolicked in the waves, dug holes in the sand and sniffed the carcasses of dead fish washed up with the tide- absolute bliss!!

The Master surprised us all when he found a live scallop on the beach, watched it open and close (presumably it was begging for it’s life to be spared, but since none of us spoke fluent ‘Scallop’ in our party, it’s anyone’s guess what it was saying), then he took pictures of it, before cooking it with garlic and onion. He declared it tasted beautiful, and that ‘it saved me a tenner down the local fish market’. I did try and offer him one of my fish carcasses beforehand, but he wasn’t interested. I tried to tell him that dried seafood was actually a Thai delicacy but he ignored me and carried on cooking. Well, at least I tried to tell him….

There are a few photos I’ve had taken, I’ll get them converted and online next week when I get the chance and when The Master leaves his very expensive digital camera alone for long enough for me to ‘borrow’ it.

Anyway, I’d like to say I’m glad to be back but it’s a bit of lie, back here in Bolton, the weather is cold and wet, the office is cold and smelly (although admittedly that’s my fault above anyone else’s) and I’m back to spending my days surfing the internet for some light entertainment whilst The Master toils away at his desk.

In fact, I logged into all of my online profiles today- and when I reached my recently opened Twitter account, I was really dissapointed to find that NOTHING had happened in the last week. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t really ‘get it’. Diet Girl did try to explain it to me, but when I looked at her account, I realised she was having the same problem as me. You see, once you sign up to Twitter, I thought it was like Facebook or Myspace; where the majority of your friends have an account and you can look them up and contact them online. But it’s not. Or maybe we’re just not popular enough, but none of our real friend seems to have Twitter accounts yet which means, we’re stuck in a stagnant status update, with nobody giving two hoots what’s happening in our lives.

I mean, we’re not both egotistical narcissists who rely on digital comments to get on with life, we’re both just dissapointed that now we’ve both joined Twitter, it’s not as good as it’s been made out to us.

Although that said, this whole Twitter thing has me thinking- with the invent of more and more social networking sites, like Digg, Bebo, Twitter, Myspace, Facebook, MSN Messenger, Adult Space, Adult Friend Finder, Badoo and Friends Reunited (and that’s only the tip of the iceberg) it seems that Human Relationships are becoming more and more virtual and less real.

In the long run, this doesn’t really matter to me, as I’m a dog and meet others whilst out on long walks, where I sniff their bum, they sniff mine and that’s all the introductions completed. But for Humans to meet somebody online, well, it to me, seems a little risky. After all, you don’t know who you’re speaking to, and if they’re who they say they are. I mean, the 20 something office manager from Runcorn could really be a thirty stone Redneck from Alabama with a penchnt for lying and taxidermy- you just never know.

I’m sure though, that if Humans stopped relying on the internet to meet people and regarded it as a source of information and entertainment like I do, then they’d be a happier race all round. But what do I know? I’m just a dog.

Back on Tuesday- have a good weekend!

Good afternoon, I’m Diet Girl, taking over this week’s Blog Of The Dog for my little canine friend Ruby whilst she’s away on her jollies!

I’m the admin and customer service assistant here at Vizcom, and I also recently produced our youtube film too (aah, nice to know that that production degree wasn’t a total waste), and I’m perpetually on a diet, hence Ruby’s slightly sarcastic albeit very true alias for me.

I’ve had a read through her previous posts and I guess I should recommend you to a website of some interest or talk about an aspect of the internet that’s got under my skin today? Hmmm, let me ponder this for a moment….

*thinks*

Got one!

As a female internet geek (and believe me I am!) I’m often swamped by spam emails trying to sell me diet tablets, slimming pants and allsorts of weight loss mumbo jumbo which I’ve now learnt (the hard way) doesn’t work.

From Hoodia (the appetite supressing cactus extract) to Slim Bombs (blue pills that make your pee bright green), Massage Tights (apparently they stimulate your lymph nodes to process more cellulite) to Spanx Pants (pensioner-like underwear that gives you a flat stomach)- I’ve tried them all with mixed, and often negative results. And then, yesterday I think it was, a link to this website found it’s way into my personal email:

http://www.soundfeelings.com/products/alternative_medicine/weight_loss/fitness.htm

You don’t have to read it all, just scan down the page! The basic premise is that you (the fat bloater) send a photo of yourself (panoramic if you’re that bad!) so some geek with Photoshop can spend two hours making you ‘thinner’ for the bargain price of sixty dollars.

Given, it might be a good slimming tool for some, but the bit which really makes me chuckle is near the bottom of the page where it’s suggest this could be an ‘ideal gift’- from whom?? How insulted would you be when your significant other hands you a gift, which you unwrap to find a thinner version of your actual self??

Aah, Slim Photo- a good idea in principal but in practise, that’s relationship suicide in any language!

Well that’s my ten pence worth, I must go now to catch the train back home. The lovely Ruby, Your Hostess With The Mostest will be returning next week, no doubt with tales of her holiday.

Have a good weekend!

….before I go off on my jollies. I did toy with the idea of leaving my journal alone for two weeks but couldn’t face it- must be the anal retentive in me- so I will be handing over the reins to Diet Girl whom The Master has entrusted with the office whilst we’re away.

I took her aside this afternoon and nudged her toward my laptop until she took the hint, and-bless her!- she gave me a treat too! It’s nice to see that someone appreciates my efforts sometimes. So as from next week, it will be Diet Girl commentating on life in the office and in general, whilst I’m going to be on a campsite somewhere, running mad in the woods and having my ears brushed next to an open fire.

So I bid you adieu, and will try and invade as many photographs (well, I can’t take them myself, can I??) as I can whilst I’m away and put them up at some point. Be good, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do whilst I’m away…….

I found a brilliant website today: http://www.websitesthatsuck.com/ and have spent a good four hours reading it and learning loads. I honestly didn’t realise that there were so many bad websites out there- my favourites being the ones with the cheap appearances (in fact some of them have recieved ‘awards’ from the site in question- seriously have a look if you get chance).

It amuses me because in my humble opinion as a 4 year old Red Setter, if I had thumbs, and a voicebox and wanted to have an online business, I certainly wouldn’t go about the whole project in the cheap fashion that many of those bad designers have.

I mean, if you don’t have premises and just want to operate online, that’s fine, but realise that the only impression you will create for your customers is that of your website. Which means that if you’ve got a smooth, easily navigated, co-ordinated site, you’ll appear professional, but if you insist on building the lot yourself to save some money- just don’t.

Seriously, I was amazed by the amount of people who were still using sparkly gif.s and Microsoft clip art in abundance! It just seems daft to me because surely you’re trying to create a good impression, so why do everything on the cheap? You wouldn’t buy cheap materials to build a house would you? Or take your partner out for a beans-on-toast dinner?

The same goes for other company related items, like business card printing and leaflets- why try and save money by publishing your own on cheap paper, which in the long run can actually repel potential customers? It all just seems so backward to me.

Speaking of backward, I was talking to Claudia last night (my escaped battery hen friend- please try and keep up at the back!) and she was telling me how Easter was a nightmare for her kind.

Strangley, the Humans celebrate the Beginning of Life (and/or Rebirth- dependant on religious persuasion so I’m told) and this is symbolised by eggs and little fluffy chicks that go ‘cheep’. Now that, me and Claudie don’t have a problem with- it’s the eating of said little chicks on the ocassion which we find odd. And not to mention the consumption of battery hen eggs on the day too.

Claudie’s planning to spend Easter weekend wishing she was somewhere else at another time of year, and I’m going away with The Master,and his master, The Mistress. I’m guessing we’re camping, but it could all change according to the weather reports so I’m told. Either way, I know he won’t be doing it on the cheap.

…..no, not the Fleetwood Mac album, or something belonging to Bruce Willis’ daughter (the one with a jawline like Desperate Dan), but the Chinese whisper kind. It’s been a lovely day today, and I’ve been sat online with the office windows open and the sun warming my fur whilst The Master keeps muttering to himself.

I love how sometimes the humans are so geeky and will spend hours trying to understand how something works, and The Master and Diet Girl are no exception. The rumour that is circulating their world of SEO and online gubbins is that Google is planning to list websites according to how they’ve been rated by regular surfers.

Quite boring, you might say, but for The Master and Diet Girl, this statment has provided many hours of puzzlement today- how will they rate the sites? Will it be a five star system? Will webmasters have to upload a specific program to allow Google to do this, or will it happen automatically? If it does happen automatically, what are the factors that the site will be tested for- quality, quantity, appearance, ease of operation? How are they going to stop people manipulating the results of the search? Will people try and manipulate the results by ’shill’ reviewing? Is it on the whole a fair system?

See, now it’s got me wondering about it and I’m just writing about their wondering! I did have a search about online to see if I could find anything but my mission proved fruitless as The Master was making noises about going home early and shaking my lead. Has anyone else seen confirmation of this online or is it indeed just a rumour- if you know either way, let me know please- their constant wittering about it is driving me crazy.